A Journey Through the Maze

These past two years have been the absolute most clarifying two years of my almost 60 years of life. Having had an insatiable and unquenchable desire for truth for as long as I can remember, I have always sought out whatever I could fully, and without hesitation, put my full confidence in. This search has led me down many an unquestionable path for certain. And yet my passionate young heart would not stop searching until I found what I was truly looking for. Once Messiah Yeshua finally wooed and won my heart above all the other less wild lovers I had sought out - or that were vying for my attention - there was absolutely no turning back. I had found THE ONE for whom my heart was created to beat in unison with as well as beat for - my One True Desire, Messiah Yeshua.

Fast-forwarding through all the seasons and chapters of my life up until this one, even though I had found My One True Love, I never seemed to be fully at rest nor could I ever figure out the reason for my existence. I never seemed to quite "fit in" - and even within my own family I felt “at odds”. Thankfully, between my introverted wiring of loving being alone and my newfound love, Messiah Yeshua, I didn’t suffer in my times of isolation as much as I did in my times of being with other people. Being around others always revealed the disconnect I would feel with them in my heart. Being alone was (and still is) my safe place of comfort. It wasn’t until I met and married my phenomenal husband that I ever felt fully known, loved, and still desired for who and what I was. Everyone else always wanted something from me that I couldn’t (and in most cases simply did not want to) give. I am completely okay being alone with just my Creator God.

Being married to someone in ministry didn’t lend itself very well to solitude. And, in as much as I engaged with others, I always knew I was terribly out of sync with the rest of the world. I truly believed, in my heart of hearts, that I was the defective one. That something was deeply and fundamentally wrong with me but what this something was I just did not know. I kept faithfully showing up and attending just about every church, ministry event, social event, retreat event, and/or whatever event that presented itself before me. Thankfully through this journey of feeling so out of sync with the rest of the world, I discovered the Prize of All Prizes in the true Yeshua - not the false ones I had encountered all along the way.

Still believing that something was deeply and secretively defective with me - at about the same time Ru’ach led me into the truths about the lies, deception, and false narratives we’ve all been born into - I began my nose dive into the depths of uncovering what is real and what is false in our world. I have been dreadfully naive (and therefore fooled) so many times in my life that I now no longer trust anyone nor any movement, ministry, denomination, political party, and/or persuasion. I trust God and His Word alone. Not man’s interpretation of His Word, but His Word as He reveals it to me in my spirit man and through many others confirmations and affirmations. You could say that I’ve become deeply jaded. As I have. But it is scriptural (let God be true and every man a liar ~ Romans 3:4) and I have, at the same time, found my purpose, my calling, my identity, as well as my reason for walking Planet Earth at such a time as this all as a result.

After going on over seven years now of navigating these truths and very clumsily trying to effectively share them with others, I have now discovered that it is not I that am defective but our world that is insanely perverted and sick. The fact that so many people know about these evils and yet willingly (seemingly) don’t care. There. Right there. That is where the defect lies. As Jiddu Krishnamurti so powerfully stated… “it is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” I now know I was created to be a warrior operating under the guidance and covering of my Messiah, Savior, Lover, and Friend fighting against the forces of darkness that have infiltrated just about every square inch of this world all while the Church has been lured and lulled to sleep by its distractions, bad theology, and modern-day circuses.

Now I’m fully awake and paying very, very close attention to everything I’m being told to pay attention to as well as know clearly what to believe - and not believe - held up against the backdrop and lens of scripture. If I don’t see it - with my own two eyes - happen or I don’t see it clearly presented in scripture, I don’t believe it. Period. I may hold space for whatever it is in my staggeringly large range of possibilities but I no longer put any significant trust nor thought into it until I see how it all plays out.

I recently began to wonder if I were a modern-day prophet because I hear so much insight, prophetic words, as well as revelation in my spirit. Things that I believe He wants me to share with others as well as to help expose the "deeds done in darkness" (Ephesians 5:11) but have discovered that I’m more of a “watchman (watchwoman)” instead. Part of this watching assignment is to warn others about the dangers that I see coming so that I can attempt to wake them up so as to help them escape what is coming (Ezekiel 33:6) by 1) most importantly and of utmost significance come to the saving faith of our Messiah Yeshua for all of eternity. But there are also many, many pitfalls and dangers that can (and should) be avoided in order to 2) not only escape eternal separation from our Lord and Savior but also escape the physical dangers - and possibly premature death (Hosea 4:6) - of uninformed choices. The Bible is becoming insanely clear to me in recent years of how much of what is playing out all around us is, in fact, very specifically presented to us in scripture. We’ve been warned and foretold about just about every single thing that is happening in our world today. I’ve never been more passionate about knowing and understanding scripture in all its fullness and rightly dividing it as I am now because I know that it is my only trusted source of current world news as well as what is to come here very soon.

We’ve been born into so much bad theology and lies on every single level that it is almost impossible to know what is what as well as what is truly going on. And yet in the midst of it all, I’ve never walked in more truth, confidence, faith, and assurance in the days in which we are living as well as what He desires of us in the midst of it all. It’s an insanely epic and yet Biblical story. I just never fully knew until now how much of a part we all (in this generation) can choose or not choose to play. The choice is ours but eternity will show the side in which we landed as it all played out. 

Being a passionate truth-seeker/teller, intel gatherer, avid researcher, and watchman at such an insanely exciting (and yet chaotic) time in HIStory (that is laden with more misinformation and disinformation than my finite mind can process) is harder than I ever dared imagine. Especially coming from the wounds and messages of my life that I’ve lived and operated under that I’m a bad communicator as well as no one wants to hear what I have to say. Add trying to share unpleasant truths with people not willing to hear and I almost ran back into my comfortable place of hiding: Solitude and my peaceful happy little world with my beautiful family.

And yet I can’t let the rejection of others mute my message any longer. I sincerely care more about their eternal well-being than I do their approval and/or acceptance of me. My constant prayer is that I can share what revelation I’ve received with others who want to know and hear as clearly and as unimpassioned as is possible. This doesn’t always go very well for me because of my passion, intensity, and “spiraling up” but I’m trying to allow Ru’ach more and more room and space to guide my thoughts, emotions, and tongue as He sees fit and desires. This is keeping me even more quiet these days. I’m trusting that it is all being acquired, gained, and stored within me for some future purpose that I’ve not yet seen. I do know that absolutely everything we are working out here in this short stint here on Planet Earth is for His (and our) eternal purposes of ruling and reigning with Him for all of eternity. My job now is to share Jesus with all who will listen - and even those who don’t - trusting that I’m doing what I’ve been instructed. He will use my meager efforts but well-intended heart to bring to fruition what He desires.

I’m also finding that people are much more receptive to the things of Jesus when they see the relevancy of scripture as it is playing out before us at breakneck speed in global economies. Most of the churches I’m familiar with literally have no idea the mind-numbing collision of biblical world events that are placing us in the most insanely high watch time EVER in history. Our neighbor of 20+ years who has always been resistant to discussing spiritual issues and even asked me if I was a Jehovah’s Witness (or something like this) at one point (lol), was very interested and wanting to go do more research when Jim was sharing with him all the stunning connections with what is going on in Russia/Ukraine as well as all the volatile nations in the news today as backdropped against scripture and end-times prophecies that are playing out at light speed all around us.

I’m also watching many, mostly young men and women drop like flies as a result of them taking these vaccines that I’ve been trying valiantly to warn people about. The physical carnage is absolutely everywhere. I’ve walked through too many untimely funerals in recent months that didn’t have to happen had these people had, as well as walked in, the truths that I’m navigating and trying to convey. Our precious pastor recently lost his life at the hands of this Luciferian agenda. What do I do with this kind of knowledge that I have that can possibly spare others? I so desperately want to know and to get my time here on earth right as best I’m able. Do I allow them to do things that I know bring death, destruction, and possible separation from our God.

I very sincerely desire honest input and feedback from people seeking the same goal in life: to bring glory and honor to Our Lord. I’ve not always handled critique, advice, and/or sometimes even kind suggestions very well in the past because of my wounds and the messages spoken over my life but I’m truly in a place of wanting to see myself as I really am (no more hiding and pretending!) as well as how I come across in my witness. I don’t want to be obnoxious for the sake of not caring because I really do care but I also don’t want to shy away from the message I believe I’ve been given to share because the stakes are so dang high.

Thankfully, His Spirit and Word are a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I don't need to see the whole picture, tomorrow nor even what's expected of me simply past today. I can obey, rest, and trust without hesitation what He wills and works out for His glory and my good.