The absolute best of intentions

If you’re reading this, chances are good that you are one of the people that I’ve let down, most likely badly, a time or two (or many times!!!), throughout our knowing of each other. And for this, I am deeply and sincerely sorry. Please, please, please forgive me. There….I said it. That’s the easy part. Now to own these words. 

If you are one of those I’ve hurt, please reach out to me. I desperately want to make things right that are in my power to do so as well as seek forgiveness, in all things, but especially in those areas that human effort can’t offer enough. I seek, pray and ask for your grace, mercy and forgiveness. I’ve been in contact with a few of you to attempt to make things right that I know I’ve hurt. Some of these extensions have been met with success and sweet fruit, some have ended in what were once beautiful and life-giving friendships. This grieves me more than I can express but I’m able to sleep at night knowing I’ve done what I could to save something that was once held so dear. The outcome isn’t up to me once I’ve done what I’m able and being led to do.

I’ve spent my entire life attempting to do things right. Being an ADD dreamer, I have to say I’ve failed more oft than I’ve succeeded. That said, however, my life bears the fruit of an insanely gracious, forgiving and bringing strength out of my weakness, Father Elohim. My heart has always resonated with 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 “And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the LORD thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” Now I see that my life and the strength that flows freely through it, are undoubtedly the work and lavishness of an insanely good, gracious, forgiving and freedom bringing Messiah Yeshua.

This last year has brought me an insane amount of clarity, insight, revelation, peace, intimacy and faith growth. As I’ve pressed into Adonai’s heart and obeyed as much as I’ve been willing (I’m a slow and stubborn one) and able, the divine wisdom, insight and discernment has lit His path and way before me in ways I’ve never known. And I’ve been a passionate seeker of Him and His ways as long as I can remember. My unrelenting journey to seek and find Him has undoubtedly led me down many a wrong and misguided path but I’ve found that Ru’ach Hokadesh is the Spirit of Truth and will lead me back into His glorious and marvelous light if I keep my heart, my eyes and my mind fixed upon Him and Him alone. He’s using all my missteps on circuitous paths to reveal to me what His truth looks, feels and tastes like and that absolutely every bit of what “feels” true MUST pass the test of accuracy against scripture - in it’s purest and most unadulterated form that I can find. Not following this principle has taken me down many, many roads of deception. We have an enemy that is unfathomably masterful at disguising himself as an angel of light. Just imagine, if you will, what kind of an act and power of persuasion it took for Satan to lure Eve (and Adam) away from all that was rightfully and graciously provided for them in the Garden. It had to be incredibly persuasive to gain their ear and trust so easily as to give up all that was so rightfully already theirs/ours.

That said, besides all the insane revelation and wisdom I’ve received, one of the most significant (at least to me) revelations and insights has been that I don’t owe anyone anything except for my allegiance and loyalty to Yahweh. Yes, I desperately desire and long to be an amazing everything: fill in the blank: ________ wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, niece, aunt, now grandma, business owner, missionary, pastor’s wife, homeschool teacher (LOL!!), student, teacher, lover, etc, etc. Name the role and I’ve most likely attempted to fill it and fill it well. Yet, this is where I constantly and continually come up short. My good and noble intentions could literally save the world, I jokingly say. But my follow-through and good deeds fall woefully short. I cringe at what I will have to say when I stand before my LORD and give an account of all my days. I know this is where His lavish GRACE will come in once again and cover me. I cling tightly to the fact that His blood atoning sacrifice was enough to cover me in all my sin and shame. Just my sin alone was enough to crush and hold Him on that cross. I can’t imagine what He endured with the weight of the entire world’s sins and heinous grievances against Him. I know that there is absolutely NOTHING I can add to Yeshua’s finished work on my behalf to bring me into right standing before His throne. This brings unending reassurance to my desperately wanting to get it right heart.

The realization that has freed me more than any other is that although absolutely YES!!! do I still want to be all these amazing things to everyone, I simply can’t. And I fail miserably when I try. As soon as I started to trying to please Him alone - and that meant getting into and devouring His word and will for my life, I realized I started being a better _______ (fill in the blank) - not perfect, I guarantee you, because I’ve not changed a whole lot yet but I’m getting better as I’m seeking Adonai’s approval alone.

All this said, If you’ve even read all of what I’ve written so far, first and foremost, thank you!!! I’m not used to being listened to and find it a bit disconcerting when I am. It takes me a little while to respond appropriately and accurately at first but with enough time and prayer, I usually land in a place of complete awe and gratitude for the gift of a precious relationship to attempt to be more faithful with from here on out. Because of a lifetime of undiagnosed and therefore untreated trauma, I still find that I can be a bit scrappy, defensive and snarky in my flesh responses before I settle into responding more out of and from the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

I realize I’m probably starting to ramble…..it takes a herculean amount of brain power and effort for me to stay focused in my thoughts and not wander down a zillion different rabbit trails. So with that disclosure, I’ll conclude with what I really had hoped to accomplish through this post. I want to extend an invitation to anyone and everyone reading this that I have somehow hurt and/or let down, to please be in contact with me so that I can own, repent and apologize for anything that’s my responsibility to take. The list of people I feel I’ve let down throughout my life is long, extensive and overwhelming. To try to go back and make amends because of 1) knowing an insane number of people throughout my lifetime of moving, a zillion jobs, ministry positions, etc, lots of years and 2) my propensity to have amazing ideas but my forgetfulness and lack of follow through on so many of them keeps me repeating offenses unknowingly. I’m learning to make very, very few commitments because I know how hard it can be for me to follow through on them. And scripture is very clear on letting your “yes” be your “yes”, and your “no” being your “no”. 

I desperately want to finish my incredibly short time here on earth strong. I want to stand before my Savior God and hear Him say “well done, my good and faithful servant” and then turn see the faces of many, many souls that may have come to know this amazingly good God in some small way because of my life, my example and His lavish love poured out through me.

Shalom and I hope to hear from some of you!!! 

~Leslie